The expectation that is forever elusive and always provocative is the expectation that another human being can enter my life and provide a greater source of peace and joy than I can find for myself as I have done today. I then cling to that person for approval and shelter from aloneness. This possessiveness then proceeds to destroy the relationship.
Jealousy and possessiveness are the main destroyers of relationships. No one wants to feel like they are the property of another person. We cannot make a person love us by constantly needing attention, affection, and love. If we are clinging and needy, we will turn our lover off and lose them completely.
What is it in us that makes us sometimes feel so insecure in a relationship that we feel we need constant attention? Here are a few thoughts:
Insecurity. If we are unsure about our self or our situation we need assurance that things are ok. This is a natural sense, most of the time. There are people who are really, REALLY insecure. This is just a part of who they are. It isn’t pretty. Insecurity in one’s self is a very painful and debilitating fact. Most of us know people like this who need constant reassurance and validation. The problem is when I am like that myself and don’t recognize it. There are times when feedback from our significant other, wife, etc. is needed and we have a valid need for reassurance. But if we are constantly insecure in our relationship with that person and we are begging for confirmation of their feelings and love, then maybe there is a problem in the relationship that needs addressed. Sometimes that problem is me. Anyway, an honest evaluation is probably in order.
Distrust. Am I jealous? Am I afraid my lover is cheating? Where is she? She should have been here five minutes ago. We need to trust the person we love. If I am in a relationship with someone I need to feel there is some stability. But is it possible I am paranoid? Of course. All relationships are built on trust but sometimes distrust arises because I cannot trust. Sometimes we are so damaged by others we lose all confidence that other people are reliable. Maybe we are dis-trusting because we are untrustworthy. Maybe we are just insecure. The point is: if we do not trust our partner, there is a problem either with me, him or her, or the relationship. I need to look at my basis for the distrust and see where it comes from. If she is five minutes late because of traffic I don’t need to worry. But she doesn’t come home for three days and no call, there might be a problem.
Fear. Fear is awful. When I am afraid of losing something precious to me, I am in a terrible state. But is my fear warranted? I previously thought there were times where fear was valid. But I have learned that fear is never a viable thing. Fear is not useful in any circumstance. Well, not in any non-physically threatening circumstance anyway. Emotional fear keeps us imprisoned in our own minds. Fear tears down our confidence and ability to act. Fear makes me shrink away from life. If I am fearful of “losing” someone it is because I am possessive. I think of the other person as a thing, not a who. My relationship with my lover should not be based solely on their physical entity, but their emotional and spiritual reality.
The fear of being alone should not keep me in an unhealthy relationship. I would rather accept my aloneness than be in a caustic relationship just for the sake of having company. My sense of happiness and well-being needs to be more important than being around people that make me unhappy. Or that I make unhappy.